If you really knew me

If you really knew me you would know that I still bite my fingernails when i am nervous, and that is quite alot. You would know that my favorite thing is sitting in the car, heater on, while its raining, simply listening to it, and talking about life.  If you really knew me that i do care, sorry it doesnt seem like it 24 freaking 7.
You would know that I hate goodbyes but hellos scare me.  You would know that chocolate it my secret addiction.  You would know that I would rather curl up and read a book then go to a party and pretend to have fun.  If you really knew me you would know that i am trying, everday.  You would know that my dreams arent that crazy but they seem insane to me.  You would know that standing here performing in front of people scares the holy crap out of me. You would know that the fact that i tell you anything is a big step. If you knew me at all you would know that i smile alot when i feel like crying.  If you really knew me you would know i sing as loud as i can to the radio when im alone in the car, and i dont care that the people who pull up next to me stare.

Jealousy

Many poets make we envy the words that seemingly effortlessly flow from their pens, but one in-particular and close to home is Evangeline Ruins.

Evangeline could be writing about my life for all i know.  she makes me jealous because she finds colorful ways to describe my past present and future. So here is my tribute to Ruins.  Thank you for helping me understand what i feel when i dont even know myself.  Her words flow off the screen and create a shadowed story, a web of color and pain mingled with happiness and love?
You tear up my soul then piece it back together in a way that makes so much sense when it shouldnt
So thank you for giving me a few tips, heaven knows i need them.
Cheers to Evangeline

My Story

Ordinary World: Kyle is popular and the star of the soccer team and his dad puts way to much pressure on him to be the best, he can hardly take it.
Call: He meets a shy pretty girl who makes him feel like his life is not falling apart, his dad will be furious if he finds out that he is getting distracted form his "future"
Refusal: He refuses to let his father run his life anymore and for the first time ever he stands up for himself
Mentor: His soccer coach notices he is not playing as well and helps to guide him through his inner turmoil, he shows Kyle that there needs to be a balance in life.
Threshold: Kyle crosses the threshold when he asks the girl to prom despite his fathers arguments and the teams jabs that she is a nobody.
Tests, Allies, and enemies: His dad and his teammates disagree and show it, he has to bear through it and decide that his feelings for this girl are stronger then that.
Approach: before the dance Kyle writes a letter to his father explaining how he loves him and hopes he will support him in his decisions, and leaves it in his office, then leaves to the dance.
Ordeal: Kyle gets in a fight at the dance with a kid that is trying to get into his number one spot on the soccer team.
Reward: The girl tells him how much she cares about him, they spend the rest of the dance in the soccer field looking at the stars, they have a magical kiss and realize that they were meant to be together! yay!
The road back: a few days later Kyle's dad talks to him and realizes that he made mistakes, their relationship becomes so much stronger.
Death: Kyles close friend contracts terminal cancer and he closes himself off again, not even the girl can get him out of his gloom.
Resurrection: His dad snaps him out of it and shows him once again that there is more to life and he needs to have balance.
Elixir: Kyle apologizes to the girl and they are sooper dooper happy, and sooper cute together.

Archetypes 
Hero: the girl is the hero she saves Kyle when no one else could
Mentor: the soccer coach is the mentor, he is the only adult influence kyle has in the beggining
threshold guardian: the dad was the guardian, he had to get past his dad to get through the threshold.

HaPpY pLaCe

This is for the girls and boys that sit in the lonely corners at lunch, this is for the math teachers (need i expand), this is for the dreamers who live among the clouds, this is for the people who check their watches too much
Find your happy place
this is for the mischief making two year olds, this is for the mothers of mischief making two year olds, this is for the elderly who, like two year olds have applesauce being spooned in their mouth by some overly happy looking woman... please find your happy place
This is for the cowboy boot wearing boys, the wallflower in gym class, this is for the newborns with patches of heaven in their sparkling eyes, this is for the people with red hair... the people with no hair,
find your happy place

This is for the girls who cant see past themselves in high school, the girls who are looked right past, this is for the people with the bandaged hearts and tattered souls,
find your happy place
this is for the big brothers who protect their little sisters, this is for the bullied and broken, the bruised and the scarred, this is for the boys in the polos, this is for the drama queens,  this is for the friendless,
find your happy place
this is for the two year olds that cannot be understood because the speak half english half god,  this is for the unforgiven, for the ones with bottled up unreached potential,
find your happy place
this is for the kids who no longer know where home is, this is for the fathers who cry after their families are sleeping because they know they cannot support them all alone,
find your happy place
just look, we all have a place or a thought to take us away from ourselves, where we can slip from our skin if but for just a small moment.

Gandhi_ I am in love with a boy manufactured to destroy so i shall unravel my love just like a red woolen glove.

Whisper
click
tap.. tap.. tap..
 I keep forgetting I am sitting in class while the other students live their lives around me.
I pick at my red woolen scarf as it unravels a bit... funny thats how my life feels.

I forget how you can go so long floating on clouds made up of fluffy stuff they call hopes and dreams... and love.  Then the next thing you remember you're on the ground twenty stories down and your looking up at the sky as others keep on floating by, not bothering to say hi just wave bye.

I forget how easy it is to slip underneath their toes nobody cares where is it I go.  Before anyone can stop it your treading water looking at your own reflection gazing back, not recognizing the sneering face.  I forget to put on my smile so I dont let them catch on that anything is wrong.

I wish they would have caught on already... to forget about me and let me fade away in peace.  If  I was stronger I would put forth the effort to not forget, to not forget to love to not forget to take away my own ambitions.

Without ambitions and hope, why even have heart and a brain.  why not cut them out and lay them on the operating table so at least there is now a reason for the numb blankness in your eyes.

What if I dont measure up, What if I forget how to be me.  What if I lose myself sometimes, and forget how to find myself.  What if thats all it takes just that once and I've lost myself completely.  Is that possible?  Are we ever ourselves completely anyways?

 Maybe if I lost myself I would find myself.

I cant take a chance.  Is forgetting really worth the pain it causes later?

So now I will get up from the chalk outline I have drawn for myself, open my eyes, take a deep breath and

Remember.

She's The Man Film Analysis

Ordinary world:  Viola Hastings plays soccer at her high school until one day her team gets cut.  she lives with her overbearing mother and rebelous songwriting twin brother Sebastian.
Call: Sebastian ditches to a battle of the bands for a couple weeks in London, Viola decides to take charge and prove that girls can play soccer just as good as guys.  She disguises herself as her twin brother Sebastian, and goes out for the rival school, Illyria, boys' soccer team and makes it.
Refusal: Viola has doubts about her abilities as a soccer player and does not know if her disguise will be put to the test.
Mentor: Duke, Violas/ Sebastians' roommate who she finds herself falling for, teaches her how to be good enough to play first string by their first big game against her old schools team.  He befriends her and shows her the ropes.
Threshold: Viola crosses the threshold when she is being disguised as a boy and then when she first enters the boys dorm and sees what life is like on the other side.

Tests, Allies and Enemies: Viola makes herself "cool" by setting up a scene with several of her girl friends and therefore is excepted by the soccer team.  She is trying to get away from her ex-boyfriend on the opposing soccer team and keep up appearances while dodging Sebatians psycho girlfriend who thinks Viola is Sebastian.  
Approach: Viola is training especially hard and has made it to first string.  Duke fights Justin (Violas Ex) and initially puts him in line.  Viola agrees to set Duke up with Olivia a girl he has a crush on, and also to become a debutante like her mother wants her to be.
Ordeal: Viola finds out that Olivia has a crush on her Sebastian self,  she has to try and nicely tell her no and at the same time not hurt Dukes feelings.  Duke sees Olivia kissing the real Sebastian because he has arrived at school earlier then expected.  Duke is upset and kick Viola out forcing her to find a place to stay and waking up late for the big game the next day. Now that the real Sebastian is back people quickly realize something is off and the twins have to prove that it was all just a big ruse and explain the whole truth.
Reward: Viola gets put in the game and they beat the other team, thus proving that girls can play in the same league as guys.
The Road Back: Viola still has feelings for duke but he is still upset that he was lied to and used.  She tries to go after him after the game but he avoids her.  She now does not have an escort the the debutante ball and she must go by herself.
Death: She sent a invitation to Duke but he has not responded, she tries to cope with the fact that he does not want to associate with her and she has to go to the ball without a date.
Resurrection: At the last minute Duke shows up and they reconcile.  He escorts her and she is happy because he came around.
Return with Elixir: Viola now plays on the boys team at Illyria as herself.  her and duke can now be together with no secrets.  Olivia proved what she set out to prove and found love on the way.

A good book has no ending.

Her name was Charlese,  she went by Charlie.

That was probably the most daring decision she had ever made, to defy her overbearing mother and go by something drastically less suitable.

She worked as a librarian.  Its not that she wasnt a people person she just didnt care enough to try.  So she replaced people with books, books were rarely wrong and alot more reliable. Plus they never ran out of stuff to talk about, and better yet they did all the talking and didnt expect anything back.

Charlie had only ever been on one date in high-school and it had ended in one torn dress and a garbage can full of tissues.  Sure she had been asked on a hundred more since then but she had gotten rather good at saying the word no.

She wouldnt mind settling down... someday... but she was content to live her life how it was at that moment.
Her days went more or less the same with the exception of a few minor fluctuations
 7: 13 - wake up
 8: 10 - open the library
 8:15- 7:00 - help helpless people find books about subjects they cant even pronounce because this is the only time they have even bothered to walk into a library.
7:30- 10:00- read in one of her recently loaned books about someone elses life, all those perfect adventurous, loved characters.  people she wasnt.  She was content to see through the eyes of these characters.  she told herself that this would have to do until she had adventures of her own someday.
10:00- Go to bed.

This was how her life went until one day everything changed at around 6:48 that evening.

Charlie was getting ready to close up the library so she could make get home and dive into a new book she had gotten when she heard a deep clearing of a throat.  She slowly looked up to help what she suspected was another lost soul in a sea of books and was surprised at what she saw.

He was not her regular customer.  She knew he was different somehow.  And with that one look she knew her whole gosh dang schedule would be totally thrown off kilter... and she didnt care.

questions:
1. who is this mystery man?
2. where is charlies family, why is she alone?
3. how is this man going to change her life?